All my life I have been content. I’ve never wanted much nor have I never taken nothing that wasn’t mine. All I wanted to do was to live out the rest of my days in my nice double-wide with my adoring wife, Ellie-May; but that all changed one day.
It turns out that my wife wasn’t as adoring as I thought she was. Well, she was adoring, if by adoring you mean a nasty little Jezebel who I caught cheating on me with Jethro.
I had come home early from my daily possum hunt.
“Ellie-May!” I shouted as I walked into my castle, “Ellie-May! I done got me two possums. We gonna eat like kings!”
And then I stopped. I was shocked and appalled, yes both shocked and appalled over the disgusting sight that my eyes have fallen on. I had just caught Ellie-May in bed with Jethro.
“It’s not what it looks like” she said to me, trying in vain to cover her lady-bits.
“It’s not what it looks like? What else am I supposed to think it is? ‘Cuz from where I’m standing it looks like you and Jethro were sleeping together. The problem is, y’all weren’t sleeping at all. I…I just can’t believe you. Mamma told me to you were no good, but you were just so cute at the family reunion, but you’re just a temptress from hell!”
“It didn’t mean anything,” she said to me, pleading, “I love you. You’re my life. Please baby, I’ll do anything, anything, to have you back.”
She’s never said anything like that to me before, it was was an offer I couldn’t refuse. But before I could make things right with my wife I had to get rid of Jethro.
“Jethro,” I yelled, “you get out of here! I’ve had it up to here catching you with my wife. The first five times I could believe you when you said you thought you were at your own home, but the sixth will be the last time!”
Just as Jethro was about to leave and Ellie-May and I were about to “make up” a special news bulletin interrupted an amazing episode of “Jerry Springer” (it was the one where marriages were broken up by one partner falling in love with inanimate objects that also turned out to be transvestites).
“We interrupt the current programming” the very official looking government spokesman said, “to inform the nation that a giant bug has been seen terrorizing Southern Alabama. We would like to assure the American people that this bug was not created by ungodly military experiments in which no level-headed organization should ever engage in. We would also like to assure the citizenry that the fact that the giant bug was spotted in very close proximity to a ‘secret research base” rumored to exist (the rumors are completely unsubstantiated) is completely coincidental.
“I would like to warn all citizens living in Southern Alabama, especially those who live in a double-wide trailer who just caught their wives cheating on them to stay indoors and to ignore the ominous clouds resonating from said non-existent research facility.”
For the second time in one day I was shocked and appalled. For one: I was shocked that a giant bug would dare have the audacity to attack the great state of Alabama. I was also appalled by my government’s actions in this crisis. Yes it was important but did they really need to interrupted Jerry Springer? Now I’ll never know whether Charlie will marry his car or not.
Despite the warning said on TV I knew I had to do my best to protect the trailer that has been in my family for generations. I grabbed Jethro and Betsy, my trusty shotgun. I loved that shotgun. I’ve had it since I was three years old and I took that thing with me everywhere; hunting, bed, even to church. It was my right hand. Jethro, Betsy and I headed towards the ominous clouds as quick as we could.
We ran at nearly a full sprint. We ran until our lungs burned with every breath, until our eyes were closed by the stings of sweat, until our legs felt as if they were useless and about to fall off. We ran for about three minutes. Wanting an excuse to rest for a while I told Jethro we needed to make up a plan of action.
“What are we going to do once we get there, Pa?” Jethro asked me.
“Your granddady, my uncle gave me a piece of advice once. He told me, ‘Nephew, if you ever need to fight a giant bug that may or may not have been created at a super-secret squirrel type military research facility and is terrorizing Southern Alabama you best bet is to 1: try not to die and 2: shoot it in its under section with a shotgun.”
“What are you gonna shoot it with?”
“Well, I’m going to use Betsy right here” I said as I patted my shotgun lovingly.
“Haha. That’s funny Pa. You suck at shooting.”
“That’s not true.”
“Yes it is. You couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn…which is really sad when you think about it. I mean, it’s a barn. It doesn’t move and it’s bright red. AND, it’s the broad side of it. The bigger part. I feel bad for you.”
“Ok son, you’ve made your point.”
“And you’re not blind, so you don’t even have an excu”
“Thank you son.”
“I’m sure Stevie Wonder could”
“THANK YOU JETHRO, THAT WILL BE ALL!”
Wanting to change the subject I suggested we got a move on. Away we went towards the ominous clouds until we walked into what was obviously a bunch of destroyed, burnt out buildings. Luckily for us one of the few structures remaining upright was a sign. It read:
“Welcome to Area-51A. This place does not exist, nor does it routinely play God and dabble in things that no mortal should ever attempt or experiment to see if giant bugs could be created which may attempt to destroy Southern Alabama. If you come any closer to this non-existent place deadly force has been ordered and your remains will be destroyed with any and all traces of you even existing on this planet being erased with full prejudice. Have a nice day and enjoy your time here.”
“Thank heavens Jethro, we’re here.”
“What are you talking about, Pa? The sign says Area-51A does not exist. We obviously aren’t where the bug is.”
“But Jethro, look at all the destroyed building, the blood on the walls.”
“But Pa, the sign says it wasn’t created here.”
“Ignore the sign. Look at the bug tracks!”
“But Pa, THE SIGN SAYS…”
Before he could finish his sentence the giant bug squished him SPLAT, like a bug, which is like a pun, or something, once you think about it.
Unfortunately due to a giant creature trying to kill me I was not able to appreciate my wittiness. I did have just enough time to grab Betsy, slowly take aim…and I missed. In my defense, it wasn’t a broad side of a barn, it was a giant bug. A huge difference.
Although I missed the under section my shot did cause to bug to curl up into a giant ball and chase after me. I, like any genius of a man who graduated top of his 6th grade class would do, ran away. I ran as fast as I could with the bug just off my heels. The scene resembled “Raiders of the Lost Ark” so much so that this description needs to end due to fears of being sued.
Just as fast as it all started the bug stopped chasing me and stood straight up, at least 4 stories tall, taunting me. I grabbed Betsy and slowly took aim. It was a scene for the ages, man versus bug. The lives of countless people would hinge on this shot. I released my breath, held it out and slowly squeezed the trigger.
Time stopped. In what seemed like an eternity, but only four heartbeats, the round struck its target, the bug’s under section. The bug was killed instantly.
In my excited I had forgotten about a little thing called gravity, so moving out of the way of any potential falling bugs did not occur to me, until it was far too late. I too was squished like a bug.
Before I could even make heads or tails of what just happened I found myself in a blindingly beautiful place. There was no worry, no feelings but just joy. As I slowly began to accept my surroundings I heard a booming voice that caused me to fall to my knees in fear.
“Welcome. I am Jennifer.” The voice said from places I could not see.
“Jennifer?” I asked, snickering to myself, “that’s a girl’s name.”
Not the smartest thing I could have said.
“If you want to make fun of me,” the voice replied audibly hurt, “I don’t think I want you around here.”
“Are you going to send me to hell?” I asked, fearfully.
“No. Worse.”
In what seemed like a blink of an eye I was back in front of my double-wide. I slowly walked up my steps I ran the entire day through my mind.
As I opened the door slowly, trying to take in all the things I’d learned. I wanted to appreciate this moment for all it meant. It was the beginning of my new life. I was going to make up with Ellie-May and become something I’ve always wanted to be. The journey to kill the bug has been completed, but this next stage in my life was just about to start.
As I walked into my home I then heard Ellie-May shriek, “It’s not what it looks like!”
